Thursday, October 13, 2005
With a whimper
Chet and I broke up last night.
It is, I suppose, merely formalizing what has been the status quo for the better part of a month now, but it still doesn't feel good. It's my first break-up in this life that feels like it didn't really need to happen. With Kurt, and Carter, and Doug, someone did something which derailed it - once me, once him, once some other bastard with access to nanotechnology, but there was a precipitating event, as opposed to just having a stupid argument and then having all the problems in the relationship seem magnified.
That's the thing - I don't know if we've got problems that can't be worked out, but it would take a lot of time and effort, and is it really worth it if the ultimate end is just getting back where we were, on the dating-engagement-marriage track, when I'm not even sure that's the direction I want to go? And that's presuming that the problem doesn't come down to Chet being gay and attracted to my boyish interior but seeing my female form as a good way to hide his orientation from his friends, family, and himself.
Which I, by now, honestly think is the case. Not just because I'm almost always the one to initiate sex; desirable as my body is from the outside, it also seems to pump the hormones pretty strong - my sex drive will beat guys to the punch a lot of the time. It's just little things that aggregate. His attention to my appearance does increase greatly when there's someone else looking, and I do catch him checking guys out out of the corners of his eyes.
And in a way, I think that if I were to look at it totally selfishly, it's not a bad thing. We have a great time together - there's no explanation necessary when I do something guyish or weirdness when I talk about my old life. We like doing the same things. When we have sex, it's on my schedule and all about pleasing me. It's a pretty decent arrangement. But if I'm not giving him what he wants physically, that's hardly fair. And I don't know as I like being used as some sort of decoy, either.
So, back into the pool. Hopefully I'll eventually find someone who likes all the guy stuff until the lights go out and then really likes sex with girls.