Transplanted Life
Thursday, October 13, 2005
With a whimper
Chet and I broke up last night.

It is, I suppose, merely formalizing what has been the status quo for the better part of a month now, but it still doesn't feel good. It's my first break-up in this life that feels like it didn't really need to happen. With Kurt, and Carter, and Doug, someone did something which derailed it - once me, once him, once some other bastard with access to nanotechnology, but there was a precipitating event, as opposed to just having a stupid argument and then having all the problems in the relationship seem magnified.

That's the thing - I don't know if we've got problems that can't be worked out, but it would take a lot of time and effort, and is it really worth it if the ultimate end is just getting back where we were, on the dating-engagement-marriage track, when I'm not even sure that's the direction I want to go? And that's presuming that the problem doesn't come down to Chet being gay and attracted to my boyish interior but seeing my female form as a good way to hide his orientation from his friends, family, and himself.

Which I, by now, honestly think is the case. Not just because I'm almost always the one to initiate sex; desirable as my body is from the outside, it also seems to pump the hormones pretty strong - my sex drive will beat guys to the punch a lot of the time. It's just little things that aggregate. His attention to my appearance does increase greatly when there's someone else looking, and I do catch him checking guys out out of the corners of his eyes.

And in a way, I think that if I were to look at it totally selfishly, it's not a bad thing. We have a great time together - there's no explanation necessary when I do something guyish or weirdness when I talk about my old life. We like doing the same things. When we have sex, it's on my schedule and all about pleasing me. It's a pretty decent arrangement. But if I'm not giving him what he wants physically, that's hardly fair. And I don't know as I like being used as some sort of decoy, either.

So, back into the pool. Hopefully I'll eventually find someone who likes all the guy stuff until the lights go out and then really likes sex with girls.

Well, working things out isn't supposed to be easy, that's why they call it "WORKING things out".

Is it worth it? Depends on how strongly you feel that the two of you care for each other, and how strongly you feel that the two of you belong together.

Perhaps now isn't the right time for both of you - perhaps you'll eventually return to each other. Impossible to say at this time.

I think that this change has put you back in time a step or two - you're now about as ready as any city girl in her 20's when it comes to settling down and being married. So perhaps becoming a younger woman than you were a man is a good thing (in that aspect). Perhaps in time you'll want that too.

Then again, Chet could be gay. Perhaps he hasn't come to terms with it himself - in which case he's probably more torn-up and confused then you have been.

Anyhow, that's my take on things.
I see you decided not to put in the first part of the quote, since "Not with a bang" could have other meanings. :-)
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