Transplanted Life
Monday, October 30, 2006
Neither of us admits it openly...
... but it's over. We spent the weekend packing Alex's things to put into one of those Door-2-Door boxes - which was, of course, outside in the driving/pouring/miserable rain, with the help of his roommates. I think he's trying to keep all his options open, because he never made any remarks about me doing anything to bring us closer together. He doesn't say "you only have to say the word", he doesn't say Austin is a decent market for IT work, or that the Alamo could replace the Brattle for my offbeat movie house needs.

It's because, I think, neither of us wants to make the move that sets a break-up off. We're taught that such things are awful, that they mean we've failed somehow. That once you've committed to saying "I love you" in the present tense, you've also obliged yourself to the future tense. Or that being in a relationship is so natural, that once one has started, it should just gain momentum like a stone rolling down a hill, and if something happens to stop that momentum, you must have screwed up, especially if you can't identify any one part of it that is obviously doomed from earlier on.

I don't think that's the case. I think the experience of being in a good relationship is so good at the time - and it really is, having that kind of trust and closeness and somebody with whom to share the things we love - that when it falls apart for whatever reason, we try and recreate that, assuming that we know enough from one big break-up to keep it from happening again. It resets not just our goals, but our expectations.

I might be kind of lucky, in that I've been able to have my expectations re-reset, but with the experience to recognize that that's what's happening. Three years ago, I knew sod-all about dating as a woman, and I think it's helped me to realize that we never truly stop learning how to do this. Every relationship is a learning experience, and not every one is going to have the potential to last forever and ever. Point-blank, Alex and I don't have what it takes to work around this obstacle. That's just how it is, and I'm good with that. The past few months haven't been wasted; they've just been what they were, no more, and no less.

Of course, I haven't delivered this speech to Alex. I don't want to say "you're not worth uprooting my life for", even if it's the literal truth. He doesn't want to say "you're not worth staying for". I know it's the truth, but I know it will hurt to hear it. So we do what reasonable people do instead - we spend Saturday and Sunday night having great good-bye sex, with visits to favorite shops, restaurants, theaters, and the like in between. We resolve to exchange emails, and we all know full well that sometime, maybe next month or maybe next year, we'll each use those emails to say we've met someone new, we don't want to compare this new person to each other... It's just different, and this is easier, and I hope you'll like him/her when you meet.

And I'm good with that. I hope he meets someone nice. My ego would just prefer it not be tomorrow.

i'm sorry Marti, but I still have to say that something is missing here. Infatuation is designed to hit hard and last long enough for tons of sex and to grow into a strong bond of love that lasts long enough for some kids to reach an age when they can walk around and help around the cave. Then after seven years all bets are off ( chemically) and people often go their seperate ways.
It's hormonal and it's been in women for all of recorded history. It's going to hit you, and hit you hard. Intellectually evaluating relationships they way you do isn't supposed to be possible as often as it has been for you. It's like you're skipping the best part.

I guess that is a difference between men and women, but you're in a woman's body and better get ready. That "rolling stone" doesn't just happen because of societal pressures or inertia or any other passive external thing. There's a woman behind it making the stone roll. Your relationships seem amiss probably because there is no one in the set that is playing that role. It's almost like a relationship of 50 year olds after all the hormones mixed with adrenaline of youth are gone and there are just memories of hot sex and some left over traces of chemicals floating around and the desire for companionship. It's not the same. Something is blocking your chemicals and you need to see a doctor.
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