Transplanted Life
Monday, October 23, 2006
I'm not a romantic person, but I always liked the ideal.
Alex has been offered a job. A good one. In Texas.

I've been kidding myself for the last week, saying we'd find a way to make it work. I'm making pretty decent money right now, and he will be to, and I, at least, do not fear air travel. I could look for work in that area. Talking by phone and online is cheap and instantaneous, so it's not like we'll really be out of touch.

It sounds less reasonable when you're not saying it to someone who wants to believe it as much as you do. Or who will at least pretend she wants to believe it as much as you do. Jen was there with a story of a friend who realized she missed her boyfriend enough to quit her job and go back home; Gertie doesn't even think of ending it with her boyfriend, even though he's been overseas a long time now.

Of course, Kate's been at a convention. She would have given the idea that this is just a bump or a test the scorn that it deserves, the same thing that I feel just writing this now. In a way, I guess, there is a test here, but it's not the separation. It's the knowledge that there will be one. And I think I'm failing it.

Or, "failing" it. It's become pretty clear to me that I'm willing to accept one element of my life changing because of what somebody else is doing, and passively accept it, rather than to actively change the rest of my life in order to preserve that one. It's not a right-and-wrong thing, but just a case of being forced to examine my priorities and thus realize that my boyfriend isn't quite so high a priority as having stability in other areas of my life.

Which sucks, to be honest. I'm not a tremendously romantic person, but if you're going to be with someone for better than half a year, it should be harder to walk away from. Hell, I've known more than a few people who were already engaged after that length of time. When Kate got dumped by Carter, she talked about the wasted time, how she'd invested a certain amount of her limited time on Earth when she was good looking and could conceive children on a relationship that was at best a learning experience, but when I look at the coming end of my relationship with Alex, I don't feel that, and maybe I should. Maybe I'm just relatively new to the whole biological clock thing, but maybe I'm lacking certain instincts that make it even possible for me to have a really great relationship.

Which would suck even more - just the idea of not even being capable of something more than "friends with benefits" is scary.

Of course, who knows? Maybe Alex and I will go out to dinner tonight and he'll tell me that he's turned down the job because the very idea of being that far away from me is too much for him to bear. But looking at what I've written, I think that would make me feel worse, because I can't reciprocate the way he would deserve if that were the case.

"... willing to accept one element of my life changing because of what somebody else is doing, and passively accept it, rather than to actively change the rest of my life in order to preserve that one."

What an interesting way of thinking. And now I know why I'm still single. ;-P
Real romantic love demands a lot more respect than even considering letting it go because you're not really sure. If you're not sure, it's not love. At the very least, you would be more tormented by the idea of having to choose.

The time element is well said and a little scary to read. We all get older and it's sad to think that when you do find love, they won't be able to experience your pouty youthfulness because you wasted it with whoever was around and seemed reasonably compatable at the time.

Marti, there is nothing in the world like being a beautiful woman and making love to someone you love. It will put every hot sex encounter you have ever had to shame. After a while, you'll feel the chance to have that with someone slipping away as you get older and more bulgy. Take care of yourself and don't float through easy relationships missing the chance at finding one of the ones out there who you could really love. From your posts, you are really missing something in all your romantic travels. A real connection is out there and it should be your underlying life pursuit to find it.
I have always assumed men don't respect romance, but somehow deep down, never really, really believed it. If that is true that men don't really feel and respect true love, i would like to know. It would explain how your have been able to float through relationships and would save me a lot of grief to understand that.
Marti, sorry for the gin induced, presumptuous post last night. I get kind of insane and righteous about romance when I'm drinking... unfortunately drinking and blogging do mix, but the audit trail is yucky. I'll have to spend the evening doing damage control. Also, trying to make Mohitos without any of the proper ingredients is not recommended. Gin and cran with cilantro mixed in is not a mohito. It's kind of weird and funky, and forcing it down gets away from you pretty quickly.
Wince. I don't know if you can or can't, and I don't think its a guy/girl thing. I know too many examples of people with commitment issues on either side of the male/female divide to think it matters and enough folks without 'em as well, to think that ain't it. (It also seems decidely divorced from sexuality, in all its complex dimensions)

If you don't feel some serious pain deailng with this, then, no, Alex isn't the guy, and that's something you need to wrap your head around.

From what I can tell, for most people, there's little or no linkage between how many relationships they go though, and how deep they are, and their ability to be smitten with true love. It isn't logical, or orderly, it just *is*.

Now, the harder thing, I think, is deciding how long to stay in a relationship before either say "Yes, this is it" or "no, it isn't." and what to do when you hit "no." A lot depends on what you want/need, and that varies from time to time, even for the same person.

There's nothing wrong with a comfortable relatonship that includes lots of happy sex, having fun, and a fair degree of certainty that it isn't going anywhere. On the other hand, such a relationship does get in the way of finding someone new, so there is a point, where, if a real life bond is what you seek, that comfortable, cozy (and sexually fulfilling) relationship does get in the way.

Food for thought

- Z
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