Sunday, November 07, 2004
My own damn fault
Why couldn't Kurt just keep quiet, damn it!? God, I try to do something to help even though I'm sure it's a bad idea at the time, bad enough that you don't tell anybody or even put it in your journal because you don't want someone else to happen on it...
Gah. It sort of started last night. Doug came to pick me up before Mo and Carter got back home, we go out and have dinner, dance a little before heading out to Brookline for the midnight movie. Just having fun until we get to Coolidge Corner, where we barely make the start time, and even though we see Wei and Jim and Kurt in line, we don't exactly have time to talk even though we sit down in the same section of the theater.
The movie itself - Mismatched Couples - is this weird thing from the eighties that involves Donnie Yen breakdancing in the same way his later movies involve him doing martial arts, while apparently trying to date a snobby girl and thus being totally blind to how much his cousin loves him. Some weird shit comes out of Hong Kong.
So, the movie ends, and we're walking to the cars in the parking lot when Doug makes some comment about Kurt coming alone. Kurt's answer is something like once you've been with a girl who knows first-hand what a guy wants, everything else seems lacking, and I blush a little, but then Doug, instead of just moving on, feels compelled to point out that Kurt dumped me and had at least two other girlfriends after that. Well, yeah, Kurt says, but I didn't know about Martina then. And still Doug doesn't just drop it. It's like he goes into some sort of cross-examining mode, or he's got to rub it in Kurt's face that he made a mistake in choosing Denise over me a year ago, and doesn't realize that the very best result that can come out of this conversation continuing is everyone feeling uncomfortable so why not just drop it? But he doesn't, he goes and says that when I decided to come out, Kurt's reaction wasn't exactly what you would call supportive.
So Kurt says, no, we just had a good talk at Wei's wedding and now we're on better terms. And Doug chuckles, saying that from the way Kurt had been talking, he'd thought Kurt was trying to imply that we'd hooked up or something. Then it was Kurt's term not to just stop before making it worse.
"That came after the talking."
Okay, it's two in the morning and Kurt's been putting him on edge and we're all tired, but why'd he have to go and do that? Because Doug doesn't just laugh it off; he turns around and just says "what?" in a quiet, but deadly-serious voice.
I just kind of laugh nervously, ha-ha, Kurt's just joking, only it's really not funny at all, but instead of following my lead, Kurt tries to explain. I'd been going on about how I couldn't get it up since Martina told us who she used to be, he says, and she was just trying to remind me that, you know, she was a woman and that I shouldn't feel like some sort of homo or something. That I wasn't really cheating on him because I wasn't doing it for myself.
Yeah, that goes over real well. He turns to me, asking if this is true, and I can't think of a good lie, so I say, yeah, it is, but Kurt's right, I was just trying to help out, since I had been the one who really messed with his head and I felt like I owed him a little peace of mind or something like that. Wei and Jim are looking aghast, and Doug says goddamnit, that's the weekend he decided to ask me to marry him and now he feels like a complete jackass because while he was making that decision, I was fucking another man.
And that's when he drops the s-word, which just pisses me off. Hey, I say, if one of your male friends got a little ex sex at a wedding to which his girlfriend didn't accompany him, you'd be all "way to go" and saluting his virility or something, but a woman does the same thing, ONCE, and you're calling her a slut. Well, pardon me for not registering the rule change.
I know that's weak as I say it, but now everybody's angry (except for Wei and Jim, who probably just want to leave but can't step back). He decides to call me on that being weak, asking how long I intend to hide behind "I'm still thinking like a guy" as an excuse, and I say, you know what, I don't know. Maybe I'll never be all girl in how I think, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean, and if you think that someday I'm going to be Suzy homemaker with pink bows in my hair who barely even remembers being a man for almost thirty years, well, you're with the wrong girl.
Well, maybe I am, he yells, then stomps off to his car and drives off, putting an abrupt end to the whole incident. And probably the relationship, too.
Kurt tries to apologize, but I'm not having it. If he'd just kept his big mouth shut, if he didn't have to let Doug bait him... I don't want to deal with it then, so I just say as much and call a cab.
I get home, toss and turn for a couple of hours, and finally fall asleep around four. I haven't seen my roommates yet, so I don't know how their night went, but it can't have been as complete a disaster as mine.
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