Sunday, November 14, 2004
I can't believe Kurt hit on me last night. Well, not literally - it happened, and my brain didn't say "sorry, that's impossible, get him to repeat himself". I just thought wow, that's tacky.
I mean, gads - was that some sort of lame master plan - break me up from Doug and swoop in? The creepy thing is, he did it as he was giving me a ride home from the midnight movie, all "now that you're not seeing that lawyer any more, what are you doing next Friday?" I felt kind of trapped, and didn't like it at all. I suppose I should have said something noncommital, but that's not really my style. I said, number one, I don't think I'm going to be dating for a while - not only has it yet to go well, but I feel like I've lost the ability to relate to men just as friends. He, and Carter, and Doug were the only men I've spent a whole lot of time with since I woke up in this body, and I wound up dating and sleeping with all of them. I mean, that can't be healthy. Besides, and this is selfish and arrogant, but if things go well, some other goober might propose to me, and I think we've already determined I don't handle that well.
And, secondly, Kurt specifically - we've just got too much history. I know that's been said by every woman or man who doesn't want to quote ruin a friendship unquote, and I'm normally the first to say it's crap, but with us, it would be so much worse. I readily admit it would be fabulous for as long as things are going well, but the second it doesn't - well, we're in trouble, and there's nobody who can help us.
Maybe that's the wrong reason for not getting involved - I've always said that you can't be thinking of the end or the threats to a relationship at the outset, but doing things for the wrong reason is my pattern with Kurt anyway. I asked him if our relationship was ever healthy - I got involved because I figured I had to in order to get my old body back, I slept with him not because I was ready but because I was afriad I'd lose him to Denise, the wedding hook-up was spectacularly ill-conceived...
He took it well. He said he was figuring I'd say something like that, but it was worth a shot. After all, everyone always says that they're looking for a woman who can also be their best friend, and there I was...
Not happening, I said. But at least we know where we stand now.
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