Friday, August 20, 2004
Got my plane tickets for next weekend in the mail today. Nat's got the whole thing set up - plane, rental car, hotel room. She seems to be good at this sort of thing, or at the very least knows who to pay to be good at it.
There's a very scared part of me that's trying to grab control of enough of my body to pick up the phone and call Nat to tell her to call it off, that Mom is better off not knowing, that she's an old woman who's not equipped to deal with the pure science-fiction on the one hand and might as well keep her illusions about her son on the other. What good will it do her to hear that the son she gave birth to and the one running around today aren't quite one and the same, or that there's this girl out there who thinks of her as her mother, or that her not-really son has got some girl pregnant and skipped out before marrying her? Seriously, what will she gain from hearing all this?
And yet, at the time I can form the words with my lips, I can't dial the phone, and vice versa. There's been enough secrets and lies going on since this all startred, and, besides, I miss her. It's been the better part of a year since I've even heard her voice, and I feel more than a little guilty about that. I've been so wrapped up in my issues, and Alexei probably doesn't care a whit, so she's got to feel abandoned.
But, I'll take that up with her next week. For now, it's all about little details - like, how I don't have anything that could really be considered a suitcase. I suppose a backpack will carry everything I need for a weekend, but it seems strange to fly with just that. And then there's the question of what to put in my hypothetical suitcase. Should I wear a nice dress to meet the woman I still think of as my mother, or go for something more guy-like, or try to be all things to all people somehow? I'm racking my brain trying to figure out what will meet with her approval.
Doing all this, while picking up enough shifts at work to cover what missing an entire weekend will do, is going to leave me with scant time to think about Wei's wedding, too. Nothing in my closet really screams out "wedding" to me, and Maureen concurs. Everything's got too much cleavage or shows too much leg or is black. As much as all the options that go with being a woman are fun, there are times when I miss the certain knowledge that a dark suit and an understated tie will always get the job done. I bet Doug hasn't given two thoughts to what he's going to wear to Wei's wedding, because he doesn't know her or Jim well enough to go the tux route, so, hey, just get something out of the closet.
Anyway, work now.
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