Thursday, June 24, 2004
Other people's reactions
It's tough to get a read on what Carter thinks of the whole Natalya situation. He hasn't met her yet, and considered Tuesday a major pain in the neck, but he's as curious as anybody would be. His original movie had taken a bullet to the head not long after I'd broken up with Mikhail-Carter, so not only does he not have his own Natalya out there somewhere knocked up (which would piss us both off), but he doesn't have to wrap his brain around someone living his ilfe in a way other than how he would.
We had an interesting talk about how much I should consider Natalya's unborn child "mine". Sperm donors can at least establish paternity; what did I have aside from a sentimental attachment to half the fetus's DNA? Besides, he pointed out, I'm the one who always talks about accepting who we are now or considering ourselves "new" people; isn't trying to lay a claim of some sort hypocritical?
I tell him it's not about "laying a claim", at least in terms of possession, but continuity, feeling like part of a family. He says that growing up in the foster care system makes him understand the desire for that, but not what it actually feels like. I thought that was sad, but Carter just shrugged it off. It was just his life, the expected baseline.
So, we looked at a couple places in JP, and he wondered if maybe his old place was available, or what had happened to his things. He hadn't left a will; after all, without anyone to leave his possessions to ("hmmph!" I said), what would the disposition of his worldly goods matter to him after he died? Something to ask Doug the next time we see him.
We both had afternoon shifts, so we split up. I probably shouldn't have been surprised to see Maggie show up at work at around six. "Someone else is having your baby," she says, "and I have to read about it on the internet?" This prompted a "looks like Massachusetts's first gay divorce" crack from someone at a table. Not wanting to make a scne, I told Mags I got off in about half an hour.
I wound up apologizing a lot, and she accepted. She brought up the "breeding with yourself" idea, saying she knew how to make it happen if I got a sample. I pointed out that my place was crowded enough and that Carter or I might end up on her couch if we didn't sign a lease in the next week. She's cool with that, although her roommate will probably put up with one short-term guest. So, I guess I'd better sound out Kate.
Another thing she said, though, was that this was the first time she remembered "the new me" seeming unsettled. She's seen me scared and angry, but that this was me more subtly shaken. I had to admit that I'd sort of put what the guy in my old body was doing out of my head for most of 2004. But the big thing is that I had more or less made myself Marti/Michelle, and I'd gotten comfortable in that role, to the point where I was only half-terrified of acting like some sort of mentor to Carter. My strong reaction to this idea of my old body fathering a child, though, seems to mean I haven't made that clean a break. Really, I'm starting to wonder who I am again.
Comments: Post a Comment