Thursday, May 13, 2004
Hashing it out
Carter didn't talk to me over breakfast, or when I got home. I tried to fill him in on some of the legal issues Hastings and I discussed, and he just ignored me. Around 7:30 when I said something related to the ballgame that we were (well, that I was) watching, he just harrumphed and turned away. And that was it. You're being childish, I said. And you must be aware of how childish you're being, right? You've got nearly thirty years of life-experience in your head, and you know the silent treatment is just completely juvenile, and for someone who insists he's not the person that the rest of the world can see, you're certainly acting like a teenaged girl.
Well, that pisses him off, and he turns to look at me with, well, not quite hate, but something close in his eyes, and asks how could I go out with some lawyer when I know how much he loves me?
I kind of wish I could be snappish with him, but I open up my arms and hug him close to me. "I love you too, Carter. I really do. I so wish I was attracted to you the way you are now; it would be so much easier. But this me likes men. You know that."
"I am a man."
"In a lot of ways, but not all. I just don't get aroused by you. I wish I did, because you're a great person and I love you and it would mean that my mind is in total control of this body, but I just don't, and I probably won't, as long as we're in these bodies. It's a bitch, but it's the way it is."
"This just sucks."
"Yeah, but life is what it is. Just think, if none of this had happened, the original Michelle might have had no interest in you. She might have just sat out in the lobby and been a terrible bore."
He admitted that might be possible, but that I underestimated what a powerfully handsome man he was. Yeah, but would she have been as cool as me? Been one of the guys like I could be? He acknowledged that might be true.
"See? You can't live in might-have-beens. Trust me, the present is confusing enough."
"Yeah, I guess. But how do you get over things and move on so quickly?"
I don't, I told him. I was set to move across country in the wake of breaking up with Mags, and look how long it took us to get together, because I was so weird about the idea of dating a guy. And I told him that it's weird that he wasn't there for when our relationship ended, but it ended in anger.
Besides, I said, it's not like I'm really going out with this Hastings guy. I've just got his office number, and he's nice, but he doesn't seem that much nicer than most guys. Still...
"There's a 'still'?"
"He knows everything and still seems to like me. That's something big, you know?"
Hey, I told him, you'll bounce back. You've had relationships collapse before, but you survived. Reinvent yourself, figure out who you are now, get out of the bloody apartment, and someting good will come along. I kissed him on the forehead and told him it worked for me.
I don't know how convinced he is, but he doesn't seem angry any more.
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