Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Being unemployed sucks. I try to make "finding a job" my new job, but try doing that for eight hours a day. It's more numbing than any job, and it's a constant stream of rejection and waiting. And in this economy and physical situation, even when I get an interview or a job, I figure it'll be a disappointment.
So half a week into it, and I'm being driven nuts. And, of course, I don't want to go out and see a movie or something that involves spending money. So the walls start closing in. I wish I had my old movie collection to fill time with. It's the same for Carter; he wants to join a gym, or just do something. But until we're working, we've got to keep the expenditures to a minimum.
It's weird, I want to dress up, put on my work clothes and stuff. Part of it's force of habit, but part of it's also feeling useful. I put on a t-shirt and jeans, and I'm just sitting around, killing time. I'm not earning, I'm not contributing... I'm just waiting. I've got nothing but time to think about what's become of my life over the past year. It's amazing just how much seems to be positive - I fell in love, I made friends, I got younger, Maggie and I are friends again, I think I grew as a person by having different viewpoints. I mean, I really find it easier to look at things from different perspectives now.
Is it wrong to be thankful for that? Well, not thankful - I don't feel any gratitude to Dmitri and Alexei Gubanov - but appreciative, perhaps? I feel that I, now, am a better person that Martin Hartle was a year ago. I suppose I can just say that that comes from within myself, but you can't leave the process out. I know what some people would say to this (you know who you are...remember, just because you have a dick doesn't mean you have to be one), but if it's what made me what I am today, and I like who I am...
Hmph. I think I need to (1) get some sleep and (2) find some sort of project to occupy my mind.
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