Saturday, January 17, 2004
It just feels right
Where to start, where to start... I don't want to start at the beginning, because that means describing the movie and what I feel about that doesn't really fit that well with what happened after.
It's funny, but what makes the most impression on me might just be waking up this morning to the smell of bacon cooking. It's been months since something like that has happened, maybe even since I was a man - I don't remember if Kurt ever cooked breakfast for me, and I'm too lazy to check through this right now. But it just feels so good to wake up with someone else making breakfast, a luxury on many levels - it's someone doing work for you while you sleep, it's usually more elaborate than the bowl of cereal I generally suck down while doing my morning email check, and bacon cooking really smells good, even if you're likely the one that's going to have to wash the pan. And, in a studio apartment, you can just look up and see Carter in his boxers doing his thing at the stove.
I can't believe we did it last night - well, this morning. I mean, just yesterday afternoon I was kind of rolling my eyes at the whole flower thing. But after he walked me home from the midnight movie, it was already two, it was freezing out, and there was no way there'd be a bus or train to take him home. And we both had to admit that the movie made us hot, even if some of it was stuff that really shouldn't be turn-ons. And when you've been up for 20 hours, the ability to play games atrophies, and neither of us could say we weren't attracted to the other.
Anyway, he looks good with his shirt off. I'm still kind of training myself on finding guys good-looking, you understand. I respond to being touched and sort of on a hard-wired, instinctive level, and I'm attracted sexually, but my sense of aesthetics is still mostly tuned to feminine curves. I kind of have to take a guy I find attractive apart in my mind, figure out what looks good about them. I was kind of doing that to Carter, staring at him, when he noticed I was awake. He gave me a "hey, you"; I said "hey" back. He doesn't quite have washboard abs, but they are defined, and he's got great pecs. I'm kind of jealous; I had to work hard just to not be fat as a guy, and he can get past that to toned.
I don't have any trays, so he just found the biggest plates he could and set them on the bed. I'd already picked a pair of panties and a t-shirt off the floor, and we ate sitting on the bed. I asked him where all this food came from, since I didn't have any in the fridge, and he said he'd been up for a while and I need to find a better hiding place for my spare set of keys than the silverware drawer. I told him that the idea was to be able to find them quickly if I lost my main set. We talked about a bunch of little things until the food was finished, then we noticed there bits of crumb and egg and grease on my shirt and our undies, so...
Yeah, it's even better when we're not at the end of a very long day. He's fun, and playful, and comfortable enough with everything that he's not trying to prove anything. I've only had a couple other lovers who have actually made me laugh during sex, and its always been the ones with whom I felt really compatible. He said its been the same way with him.
After we finished, I lay in the bed next to him, looked at the calender and started counting weeks off. "10th, 3rd, uh, 34 minus 7 is 27... and 19. Huh."
"What is it?"
"It's just funny. Exactly 26 weeks ago, I woke up in this bed, and well, my whole life had been turned upside down and was out of my control. I was miserable and I hated everything about myself. I just looked around and said 'I don't belong here, this isn't what I'd planned'. I hated people looking at me, and... Everything just seemed wrong. And today... I don't know, everything just feels right today. I don't know everything about what's going on around me, but I can live with it, and I'm not resigned to it. I want to see where things go with you, I like my friends, and outside of dealing with Maureen I like my job. I even feel good about my body."
Carter laughed. "What could possibly be wrong with your body?"
"Nothing, I just, well, let's just say I thought someone else deserved it much more than me. And maybe that's still true, but I don't think anybody's going to take it away from me and give it to them. And... I once heard someone say that who you are is the sum of your physical self and your experiences? I guess, in a very real sense, I'm not the same person I was six months ago, and even though I've got a lot in common with that person, it's not who I should try to be, you know? I should just focus on being the best me I can be."
"Girl, that's all any of us can do."
"I know. Just took a while for it to sink in, is all." I gave him a peck on the cheek. "Thanks for liking me enough to make me realize I'm OK."
"Hey, I was going to do it anyway."
Then he kissed me, and, well, let's just say that I'm only writing this down now because we finally decided he should go get changed before tonights midnight movie (3-D kung fu!). I finally took a shower, and, looking in the mirror, I finally felt all that stuff I was saying to Carter was right. This is a pretty good life I've found here, even if I resent the way I ended up with it and want to know more about the whole thing. So it's not like I'm going to stop looking, but I think the end goal is going to be different. It's going to be more about understanding than changing, I think.
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