Sunday, December 14, 2003
I swear, I felt like a junkie today. It's only been two and a half weeks since the last time I got laid, but it seems like longer. And, really, just how absurd is it for me to be craving penetration? That's just sick. That's my entire sexual identity wiped out in just a few months. I've got no idea how reasonable that is; I did some research on-line, but there are very few comparable cases to mine - for most people who do it, changing sex is a voluntary thing, and done over time with hormones and all sorts of pracitce living as a member of the opposite sex before having very physical surgery. It's almost never throwing the person in the water and hoping they know how to swim.
I went out to run some errands earlier, and I swear everyone was trying to hook up with me. The guy giving me change at CVS seemed to be loading his words with "in-nu-EN-do!", and just about every guy on the street seemed to be giving me the eye. And for all I know, they were - I'm shaped like a young woman with big breasts and have a not-unpleasant face. I've been in their position, and while I won't give a cliche'ed "men are pigs" response, they definitely are paying attention to certain parts of their environment at all times. It's a biological imperative, but most of the time it's tempered. And, for what it's worth, women are pigs, too - I feel a whole lot of the same biological imperatives now, if from different stimuli, and from what "girl talk" I've been able to be a party to, I'm pretty sure it's not just my own personality being adjusted to Michelle's brain. It's just how people are.
I think Michelle may have a tendency toward addiction, though. Maybe not in a completely binary way, where you are an addict or you're in total control, but I honestly don't remember being as primarily focused on getting laid back when I was seventeen and had first had sex as a man as I was last month. And, god, I've been drinking and I barely noticed it until I tried to sort the recyclables and found several nickels more in returnable bottles than I have for any other week since the switch.
Plus, I bought a couple double-chocolate with chocolate chip muffins this morning - I don't know why the supermarket doesn't just admit that they're cupcakes - and went through a whole pint of ice cream this afternoon. I felt sick afterward, but it was like I was substituting one physical act for another. And, yeah, I know about the whole thing where chocolate supposedly produces the same reaction in a woman's body as sex.
But, I'll get past it. If it is mainly a physical thing, I know I will, eventually - after all, I didn't feel this craving when I first got stuck in this body, and since Michelle wasn't a virgin then, it must be something that eventually fades. And if it's mostly mental - well, I can handle it. I've handled just about everything else.
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