Transplanted Life
Friday, October 24, 2003
Jen's having a Halloween party
I've never liked them. I sort of figured I grew out of dressing up at something like six. And, hey, do I need a costume right now? Aren't I already in the best costume anyone's ever had? Wouldn't adding something to it be just gilding the lily?

And on top of that, it's looking like a couple-y thing. Jen will be there with Carlos, Kate with George, etc., etc. There'll be other single people there, I suppose, but they'll be looking to not be single, whereas I am... well, not happy to be single, but I guess it beats the alternative, doing all the uncomfortable dating crap for a relationship that would wind up being Michelle's once this ends. If it ends. Of course, if it doesn't, I'll have made myself unhappy for no good reason.

But I'm also kind of in shock about how far things went with Kurt. I go back and read what I wrote in this journal, and I'm not sure what's more surprising, how fast it all happened or how long it went on. How bizarre my actions seem in retrospect or how much they make sense. I'm not sure how to reconcile it all. And I think, if I start going out to parties or bars or whatever, will I be a detached guy amused and uncomfortable with what's going on, amusing myself with how to take things people say in an ironic way, or will peer pressure and biological imperatives nudge me toward acting like who and what I appear to be (and arguably am)? Is being able to look at this and think what I did with Kurt was insane a moment of clarity or self-doubt?
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