Monday, October 06, 2003
To all those reading, I'm sorry if I came off a little cranky yesterday. I was doing a quick check of my email between the end of the great, great ballgame and getting my groceries done, and there's a couple letters in the inbox about how they can't wait until baseball season is over so that maybe I'll write more about wearing high heels or other stuff like that. Maybe I was just PMSing - it is that time of month - but I just took it far more personally than I should have.
Because, I do appreciate the curiosity and interest of those reading this blog. Living a lie every day, not able to tell my friends and loved ones what's happening to me... I'd have cracked long ago if I didn't have an outlet like this.
Getting back to the PMSing thing... It weirds me out. I didn't feel any different yesterday. It's not like there was so much excess whatever hormone it is sloshing around in this body that I could say "hey, my brain feels funny". But I acted differently, and thought differently. Why? Because some body that isn't mine has more of some chemical than usual in its bloodstream in the days before menstruation.
I should be used to this. We all should be used to this - while we have this idea of the soul, which defines who we are outside of our physical appearance, crammed down our throats from birth, who we are changes constantly. When we go through puberty, our priorities and desires change radically, and we've got no control over it. We look at things differently, and act differently, under the influence of endorphins, adrenaline, alcohol, marijuana, fatigue poisins... You name it. A large part of our personality at a given time is not something spiritual or ethereal, but chemical.
I just... Well, it's the idea that Michelle's chemistry, like any woman's, is constantly in flux. Most of the chemicals I listed above are released into the bloodstream as a result of something you do, and I know a man's chemistry is in flux, too, but it never struck me as being so significant as it is for a woman - not something you have to think about.
Gah. This must be the fifth time I've written this, but I don't feel like I'm any closer to understanding my situation.
What I do understand is that everyone's heading over to Kurt's for another game-watching party tonight, and at least in the game, something will be determined - either Boston or Oakland is going on to face the Yankees, not some wacky part-Sox/part-A's construct. One or the other.
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